--// Nathan Benjamin\\==--
"Yeah... You just tapped out... that sound? It was you... tapping out... and the match is tommorow... GOd you're pathetic!"
Ok so... basically it's a rundown of these matches.. through they eyes of Golden state's very own GOD of wrestling... "The Amazing" Nathan Benjamin. So shut your cake hole and listen..
Daemon Krav vs The UndertakerSo like... if these matches were a card... you're saying this would be the first one? you gotthe deam man curtain jerking with this ninja gaiden knock off? Whatever.. I've heard that Krav is this total badass. I heard he shoots lightning bolts form his eyes and... oh wait... that's Mel Gibson.. Ok so Krav can do... Ninja moves? Sweet... if he busts out throwing Stars... a katana.. and maybe asks Napoleon Dynamite to bring him up to speed in the nun-chukas skills department... he might could win... But back here in the real world... I'm watching Taker anhilliate this chump...
Winner by way of Tombstone (and the Grace of Nathan Benjamin for allowing him to compete.)
Undertaker. Craig Lassiter vs Stone Cold Steve AustinWow... Is Craig Lassiter still alive... no no no... wait.. he was the hot dog guy last time I was in FCW right? Wow... OWF must be hurtin... hey maybe Benny could call some of his pals form frikkin REHAB and they could come wrestle too.. You guys put this garbage fest after a Taker match? Wow... someone's big chief tablet is just filled with Vinnie Mac pearls of promoting wisdom...
Anyway... I would have to say Lassiter wins because Stone Cold s drunk for the match. Why? Because Benny spikes his drink of course... after a five dollar fee, paid in full by one.. C.Lassi.. wait.. that's confidential client info... Sorry clowns...
Winner by way of a Roofiecolata....
Craig Lassiter (And once again... Nathan Benjamin allows the match to happen.)
Curtis Slamm vs The Rockwow... are you sure this is the way the card is suposed to go? Are you sure it's not upside down... or maybe one of Marcus Ash's several illegitemate Korean kids played with the board or something... Who the hell is Curtis Slamm? Does it matter? The Rock is a movie star. And given the fact that by the end of his run he had five moves to go along with his five tired catch phrases, the Great Nathan Benjamin is going to have to say that this match will not be allowed to take place. we shall layeth the Smacketh down on Rock's tired complacent ass, and thus get Slamm DQed. We're sure he's pissed... but again.. Who the hell is Curtis Slamm?
Winner by way of "divine" intervention is the People's Laughing stock... the super mini cock...
the ROCK!Brian Thorn vs Kurt AngleBrian Thorn and Kurt Angle... hmm.. Well, I'd have to say that Kurt Angle mops the floor with this guy.
Winner by way of total wrestling clinic...
Kurt Angle. The Reaper Marcus Ash vs The SandmanWell, since the Sandman is wreslting now on the same channel as Captain Kirk... who would kick his ass by the way.. and yours if you ripped his shirt... I'm going with Ash. Why? Because he signs my paycheck numbnuts.. and because the Sandman couldn't put two moves together to save his life. Which is cool because it's long been a fantasy of mine to in fact see his life NOT saved...
Winner: Marcus Ash!
(Can I get that extra twenty bucks now?) 
Lonegunman Kevin Burke vs TazA: Everyone knows there were two gunmen...
B: Taz is fat and gay from sitting next to Michael Cole for all those years. So with help from his unnamed accomplice, and a weird puff of smoke from behind the grassy knoll... Burke wins!
Crusader Arthur Sage vs StingI wrestled Sage once. I forgot who won... I'm sure it was me... but anywho... He would kill Sting... because everyone knows that someday Brandon Lee's ghost is going to come down from heaven, and totally smack Sting like the bitch he is for stealing his gimmick. Shit... if I was going to steal a gimmick from a movie... I'd at least pick a good one... Like... I'd be some super hero stud who gets all the chicks and drives the best car..
Oh wait... that's my real life.. HAH... you people suck!
Pimp Daddy Pug vs Samoa Joe"Joe's gonna kill you." Need I say more? No... but I will. Anyone with the word pimp or daddy in their moniker cannot win. Ever.. It's the first of many decrees tht i'm putting out to help govern wreslting... since I am it's diety afterall.
Threat Shane Brandon vs Triple HWell, if Shane Brandon and Trips ever fought.. that would mean that one or the other jumped ship... let's assume that it was HHH for a moment. So he comes to OWF. Ok that same day... Marcus Ash get's "knowledge" from a guy for the first time... loves it and allows his "giver of knowledge" HHH to win. Shane is pissed, but as Ash smokes the after knowledge ciggarette, he tells Brandon he might win more matches if he were more of a team player...
He's backed up by a gruff voice from under the desk.
Nathan Benjamin vs Dean MalinkoUh... hold on a minute.. why is this match not at the top of the card? and why am I wrestling a road agent form WWE? Ok... Ash this is bullshit. Would you worship Saint Peter AFTER you worship GOD? NO you wouldn't... ok so... Ok you know what... This is what happens. Technical MASTERPIECE. Basically, Benjamin carries Malenko through the match, feeding him move after move that his old ass can't do anymore, and finally it ends at the 20 minute mark with Malenko tapping out to the World's Greatest Submission Hold.(WGSH). Nathan Benjamin then settles the Immigration issue, Wins the War in Iraq and proves that Hillary Clinton really is smuggling grapes in her trousers.
Winner: Golden State's God of Wrestling...The Amazing Nathan Benjamin.
Tigerclaw vs Rick the Dragon SteamboatSteamboat in a classic give and take... A quality match that anyone who isn't Nathan Benjamin could call a career defining match.
The Firk'n Scot vs Roddy PiperPiper all the way. I love his music... so I would interfere so that he could win, that way I'd get to hear it twice.
Philipae vs Mick FoleyMrs. Foley's baby boy wins this one. And cuts a badass promo at the end. something about caning his son, or getting his ear cut off... but the delievery is AWESOME!
The Sentinel vs Hulk HoganSentinel Wins. I will not allow Hulk HOgan to win another match. EVER.
In related news... Hogan's hairline is halfway down his back now.
Hoser vs Shawn MichaelsShawn Michaels wins because Hoser won't give up the title in Canada so Vince... oh wait... wrong match... uhh... ok.. Hoser wins when Shawn gets his 50th concussion and wakes up thinking it's the nineties again. His loud attire might blind a sober guy.. but not Hoser... he's piss drunk so all the colors were already running together anyhow... and he ends up getting ridiculous drunk power and throws the Has Been Kocksucker off a building.
Archangel vs KaneBoring... I don't know who won... I went to take a piss during this shit.
Lee F'n Tood vs Bret HartIs Vince McMahon and his cock leach Shawn "lovesthecock" Michaels there? No. Good... then Bret wins. Bret should always win... he's the second best wrestler EVER... guess who's number one? Ok... it starts with an N... and ends with athan Benjamin..
Still trying to figure it out?
Winner by way of Wrestling Divinity...
Bret HartAspen Sage vs Chris JerichoHmm... Jericho is pretty awesome... but his band is shit... so I'm giving this one to Sage... because Jericho for the past three years has been making shitty music and nt wrestling.
FOZZY IS SHIT!
Better than Jesus Gary Frat vs Andre the GiantWow what a main event... it's a turd fighting a dinosaur.
Guess what happens? the turd gets stepped on, and the Dinosaur goes extinct.... but the Turd does not die. His stench and his foul legacy linger on.
What about Andre's legacy you ask? Ok... he was french and he jobbed to Hulk Hogan at WM III. And then he teamed with Haku... and jobbed to start WM VI. You know... for someone so huge... he sure did find ways to lose.
Winner by way of NOT dying...
Gary Frat! (Gary Humped Andre's leg til the big man died of a heart attack trying to swat him away... then Gary pinned him... (At least I think he's pinning him.)
