Post by Hoser on Jul 25, 2007 22:53:58 GMT -5
Dull white light filtered through the blinds of the room in the Ace Inn. A form began to stir in the small bed, moving slightly, then yawning as he sat up. The Canadian Icon rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stretched, then slowly looked around the room. The air conditioner in the window whirred quietly, keeping the room nice and cool. Hoser's eyes scanned the room, looking over the small television, then moving on to the desk in the corner, glanced at the telephone, then the lamp, then finally coming to rest on the mini bar. He smiled at the thought of the delicious, cold refreshments contained within the small cooling vessel. But his smile quickly disappeared as he realized the door was open, and the mini bar was empty.
"Ah, looks like I'm gonna have to go out for breakfast this morning eh." he said to himself as he stepped out of bed, right into a pile of empty beer cans.
He picked up his suit case from the floor and placed it on the bed. He slowly opened the top, still half asleep, and took out some fresh clothes. A pair of baggy blue jeans, a white "I Am Canadian" t-shirt, and a blue baseball cap with a red maple leaf on the front. He opened another compartment in the suit case and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. The Canadian Icon scanned the walls of the room as he opened the pack of cigarettes, as if expecting to find a secret beer stash behind one of the pictures that adorned the otherwise undecorated white walls. He pulled a cigarette from the pack and placed it between his lips, picked up a pack of matches from the desk and lit the cancer stick.
"Shit that sun is bright this morning eh." he said as he pulled open the blinds and looked out the window.
"Who are you talking to honey?" came a female voice from the bathroom.
Hoser wasn't sure if he just heard a voice coming from the bathroom, or if it was just his imagination. He froze for a moment, wondering if he would hear it again, but hoping he wouldn't. The bathroom door opened, and a native woman stepped out wearing only a large white bath towel emblazoned with a large red maple leaf. Her face looked like that of an elderly grandmother, though she was no more than 35 years old. Her hair was jet black, with a few premature grey streaks through it. The lines around her lips told a long story of crack use, her cloudy blue eyes revealed a soul that had long since withered and died on the streets of Fort McMurray.
"Who the fuck are you eh!?" yelled the Canadian Icon. His eyes opened wide with disbelief as he stared at her, awaiting her answer.
"Don't you remember sweetie? You met me last night, at that fighting thing you and your friends had at the Oil Can..." she began, but she was cut short by another question.
"Why are you in my bathroom? And why are you wearing my towel?" asked Hoser as he tried to remember meeting this woman.
"Jesus you sure are grumpy when you get up!" yelled the woman, a look of anger creeping across her face. "I had to take a shower, and this was the first towel I found!".
"Well give it back eh!" yelled Hoser as he stuck out his hand, waiting for her to hand the towel back.
The woman ripped the towel off and threw it at Hoser. It landed on his head, temporarily blinding him. He struggled for a moment before finally getting the towel off of his head. The Canadian Icon looked back at the woman, and quickly put up his arm to shield his eyes. There were wrinkles and stretch marks all over her body, her breasts were saggy and misshapen, there was a large patch of razor burn where her pubic hair should be, and Hoser had seen moose with less fur on their legs.
"For fuck sakes! My eyes! My eyes!" yelled Hoser as looked away in disgust. He tried not to puke as he threw the towel back at the woman. "For the love of god and all that's holy! Put the towel back on lady before I go blind eh!".
The wet towel hit the wall next to her with a hard thud. The Canadian Icon grabbed his clothes and bolted for the door, almost running into her as he passed. He caught another unwanted glimps of her naked body as he passed, almost throwing up as he reached for the door knob. The air seemed to get thicker as he fumbled with the knob. His eyes grew wider as he tried to twist the knob, his pulse raced, his palms began to sweat, and his mind began to race as he wondered why the door would not open. It seemed he was stuck in the room with this old hag, doomed to an eternity of unspeakable horrors. He quickly scanned the room for another exit, trying to avoid looking at the wrinkled bastion of evil that stood behind him.
"Why God?! Why?! For fuck sakes! What did I do to deserve this!?" yelled The Canadian Icon as he rattled the door knob, trying desperately to get the door open. "I'm sorry Jesus! I'll never empty the mini bar again! I swear eh!" he said as he turned and bolted past the woman, heading for the window.
Hoser reached the window and tried to open it, but to no avail. It seemed that he truly was stuck in this small room. He desperately searched for an exit. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind as he tried to find a solution to his problem. Suddenly he found an answer. He spotted his suit case on the bed, and he knew exactly what he had to do. He had to make an exit. Guided by heavenly wisdom, as if being instructed by God himself, he grabbed the suit case from the bed and threw it through the window. The glass shattered into a thousand pieces, and the suitcase flew open, spewing clothing and cigarettes all over the sidewalk. Without a second thought, Hoser jumped out the window. Fortunately he was on the ground floor, so he only fell a few feet, but he hit the concrete sidewalk hard, driving glass into his hands. He quickly gathered his clothes and cigarettes, throwing them into the suitcase, and ran for the alley.
Hoser turned the corner so fast his legs came out from under him. He fell flat on his face, and quickly picked himself up again. The Canadian Icon leaned against the wall, and slowly peeked out around the corner to ensure he wasn't being followed by the hideous hag in his room. Satisfied that he had successfully escaped the foul beast, he took a deep breath and started putting on some clothes. Once clothed, he zipped up his suit case and took a moment to catch his breath and calm his nerves.
The sun was beating down like a flaming fist, burning the exposed flesh of his arms and face. The heat was unbearable, making him sweaty and thirsty. He quickly picked up his suit case and calmly walked out of the alley, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Hoser had experienced extreme heat before, but never like this. His eyes began to scan the buildings lining the street, until finally he spotted what he was looking for. A small bar nestled between the inn's and restaurants, the frosty beer mug on the sign seemed to call to him, begging him to go inside for a cold refreshing brew. The Canadian Icon was more than happy to oblige, especially in this unbearable heat. He could use a few cold ones to wash away the memory of what he just saw in his hotel room.
Hoser reached the door of the small bar, and quickly stepped inside. The dark, air conditioned interior was much more suitable than the sweltering heat outside. He calmly strolled up to the bar, his suit case in hand.
"Give me a Canadian eh." said The Canadian Icon as he set down his suit case and reached for his wallet.
"I'm sorry sir, we're all out of beer, all we have is water." said the bartender as he looked at Hoser.
The Canadian Icon stood there, one hand on his wallet, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"Tell me you're joking eh!" yelled Hoser, his disbelief slowly being replaced by a deep burning desire to kill someone.
"Nope, all we got is tap water." said the bartender as he leaned on the bar.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Hoser as he grabbed his long hair and began trying to pull it out of his head.
..................................................................
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed The Canadian Icon as he jumped out of bed.
Hoser hit the floor face first, his bed sheets wrapped around him like some sort of half-assed mummy. He was covered in a cold sweat, his breath coming fast and hard. His eyes lids opened so wide, his eyeballs would have fallen out if not attached to the optic nerves.
"What's wrong sweetie?!" came a female voice from on top of the bed.
Hoser stopped breathing for a moment, fully expecting to see the horrible she-beast from his dream. His heart stopped beating and his mind began to melt as he looked up, waiting for the evil demon to come over the bed and suffocate him with her wrinkles. Time seemed to stand still and the room began to spin as he heard the sound of the bed springs squeaking like an alarm, warning him that the creature was coming for him.
The Canadian Icon breathed a sigh of relief as a gorgeous red head looked over the edge of the bed. Her face was beautiful, almost the exact opposite of the hideous hag he had seen in his dream. Her long hair dangled over the side of the bed, her green eyes showing signs of worry as she examined Hoser, who was still on the floor, his face pale and soaked in sweat.
"Oh my god! Are you alright!?" she asked as she stepped off the bed and helped Hoser to his feet.
Hoser stared at her naked body for a moment, admiring it's perfect shape. Her skin was flawless, her legs smooth, her private area neatly trimmed with no signs of razor burn. She helped Hoser to his feet and began removing the tangle of sheets that was wrapped around him. The Canadian Icon quickly ran to the mini bar and swung the door open. It was well stocked with Molson Canadian.
"What happened?" asked the unknown woman as she stared at Hoser, admiring his lean, well toned body.
"Oh thank God it was just a dream eh." said Hoser as he grabbed a cold beer from the small refrigerator.
The Canadian Icon opened the beer and took a long drink, then reached for his cigarettes on the small night stand. He took out a cancer stick and lit it, taking a long draw as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"What was it about?" asked the woman, eager to find out what had scared him so bad.
"It was horrible eh..." said Hoser as she stared at the wall. He slowly turned his head to look at the woman as he realized he had no idea who she was.
"Wait a minute eh. Who are you?" asked The Canadian Icon.
"You don't remember? You must have been really drunk last night. I'm Samantha, but you can call me Sam. We met at the Oil Can last night after your wrestling show." said the woman as she sat down on the bed next to Hoser.
"Do you work for Charlene?" asked Hoser as she leaned away from her, expecting her to try to kill him.
"No, I work for Syncrude. Who's Charlene?" asked Sam as she lit a cigarette.
"It's a long story eh. Maybe I'll fill you in over breakfast." said Hoser as he headed for the bathroom.
"I got a lot of stuff to do today eh. I have to meet Jack for breakfast at the Kozy Korner, and I have to pick up a few things, and find a camera man to help me shoot a promo. Are you coming with me?" asked The Canadian Icon as he slowly opened the bathroom door, half expecting the native woman from his dream to jump out at him.
"Sure, I got nothing better to do today." said Sam as she got up and followed Hoser into the bathroom.
The sound of running water filled the room as they got into the shower and prepared for a long day in the sweltering heat of Fort McMurray.........
"Ah, looks like I'm gonna have to go out for breakfast this morning eh." he said to himself as he stepped out of bed, right into a pile of empty beer cans.
He picked up his suit case from the floor and placed it on the bed. He slowly opened the top, still half asleep, and took out some fresh clothes. A pair of baggy blue jeans, a white "I Am Canadian" t-shirt, and a blue baseball cap with a red maple leaf on the front. He opened another compartment in the suit case and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. The Canadian Icon scanned the walls of the room as he opened the pack of cigarettes, as if expecting to find a secret beer stash behind one of the pictures that adorned the otherwise undecorated white walls. He pulled a cigarette from the pack and placed it between his lips, picked up a pack of matches from the desk and lit the cancer stick.
"Shit that sun is bright this morning eh." he said as he pulled open the blinds and looked out the window.
"Who are you talking to honey?" came a female voice from the bathroom.
Hoser wasn't sure if he just heard a voice coming from the bathroom, or if it was just his imagination. He froze for a moment, wondering if he would hear it again, but hoping he wouldn't. The bathroom door opened, and a native woman stepped out wearing only a large white bath towel emblazoned with a large red maple leaf. Her face looked like that of an elderly grandmother, though she was no more than 35 years old. Her hair was jet black, with a few premature grey streaks through it. The lines around her lips told a long story of crack use, her cloudy blue eyes revealed a soul that had long since withered and died on the streets of Fort McMurray.
"Who the fuck are you eh!?" yelled the Canadian Icon. His eyes opened wide with disbelief as he stared at her, awaiting her answer.
"Don't you remember sweetie? You met me last night, at that fighting thing you and your friends had at the Oil Can..." she began, but she was cut short by another question.
"Why are you in my bathroom? And why are you wearing my towel?" asked Hoser as he tried to remember meeting this woman.
"Jesus you sure are grumpy when you get up!" yelled the woman, a look of anger creeping across her face. "I had to take a shower, and this was the first towel I found!".
"Well give it back eh!" yelled Hoser as he stuck out his hand, waiting for her to hand the towel back.
The woman ripped the towel off and threw it at Hoser. It landed on his head, temporarily blinding him. He struggled for a moment before finally getting the towel off of his head. The Canadian Icon looked back at the woman, and quickly put up his arm to shield his eyes. There were wrinkles and stretch marks all over her body, her breasts were saggy and misshapen, there was a large patch of razor burn where her pubic hair should be, and Hoser had seen moose with less fur on their legs.
"For fuck sakes! My eyes! My eyes!" yelled Hoser as looked away in disgust. He tried not to puke as he threw the towel back at the woman. "For the love of god and all that's holy! Put the towel back on lady before I go blind eh!".
The wet towel hit the wall next to her with a hard thud. The Canadian Icon grabbed his clothes and bolted for the door, almost running into her as he passed. He caught another unwanted glimps of her naked body as he passed, almost throwing up as he reached for the door knob. The air seemed to get thicker as he fumbled with the knob. His eyes grew wider as he tried to twist the knob, his pulse raced, his palms began to sweat, and his mind began to race as he wondered why the door would not open. It seemed he was stuck in the room with this old hag, doomed to an eternity of unspeakable horrors. He quickly scanned the room for another exit, trying to avoid looking at the wrinkled bastion of evil that stood behind him.
"Why God?! Why?! For fuck sakes! What did I do to deserve this!?" yelled The Canadian Icon as he rattled the door knob, trying desperately to get the door open. "I'm sorry Jesus! I'll never empty the mini bar again! I swear eh!" he said as he turned and bolted past the woman, heading for the window.
Hoser reached the window and tried to open it, but to no avail. It seemed that he truly was stuck in this small room. He desperately searched for an exit. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind as he tried to find a solution to his problem. Suddenly he found an answer. He spotted his suit case on the bed, and he knew exactly what he had to do. He had to make an exit. Guided by heavenly wisdom, as if being instructed by God himself, he grabbed the suit case from the bed and threw it through the window. The glass shattered into a thousand pieces, and the suitcase flew open, spewing clothing and cigarettes all over the sidewalk. Without a second thought, Hoser jumped out the window. Fortunately he was on the ground floor, so he only fell a few feet, but he hit the concrete sidewalk hard, driving glass into his hands. He quickly gathered his clothes and cigarettes, throwing them into the suitcase, and ran for the alley.
Hoser turned the corner so fast his legs came out from under him. He fell flat on his face, and quickly picked himself up again. The Canadian Icon leaned against the wall, and slowly peeked out around the corner to ensure he wasn't being followed by the hideous hag in his room. Satisfied that he had successfully escaped the foul beast, he took a deep breath and started putting on some clothes. Once clothed, he zipped up his suit case and took a moment to catch his breath and calm his nerves.
The sun was beating down like a flaming fist, burning the exposed flesh of his arms and face. The heat was unbearable, making him sweaty and thirsty. He quickly picked up his suit case and calmly walked out of the alley, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Hoser had experienced extreme heat before, but never like this. His eyes began to scan the buildings lining the street, until finally he spotted what he was looking for. A small bar nestled between the inn's and restaurants, the frosty beer mug on the sign seemed to call to him, begging him to go inside for a cold refreshing brew. The Canadian Icon was more than happy to oblige, especially in this unbearable heat. He could use a few cold ones to wash away the memory of what he just saw in his hotel room.
Hoser reached the door of the small bar, and quickly stepped inside. The dark, air conditioned interior was much more suitable than the sweltering heat outside. He calmly strolled up to the bar, his suit case in hand.
"Give me a Canadian eh." said The Canadian Icon as he set down his suit case and reached for his wallet.
"I'm sorry sir, we're all out of beer, all we have is water." said the bartender as he looked at Hoser.
The Canadian Icon stood there, one hand on his wallet, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"Tell me you're joking eh!" yelled Hoser, his disbelief slowly being replaced by a deep burning desire to kill someone.
"Nope, all we got is tap water." said the bartender as he leaned on the bar.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Hoser as he grabbed his long hair and began trying to pull it out of his head.
..................................................................
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed The Canadian Icon as he jumped out of bed.
Hoser hit the floor face first, his bed sheets wrapped around him like some sort of half-assed mummy. He was covered in a cold sweat, his breath coming fast and hard. His eyes lids opened so wide, his eyeballs would have fallen out if not attached to the optic nerves.
"What's wrong sweetie?!" came a female voice from on top of the bed.
Hoser stopped breathing for a moment, fully expecting to see the horrible she-beast from his dream. His heart stopped beating and his mind began to melt as he looked up, waiting for the evil demon to come over the bed and suffocate him with her wrinkles. Time seemed to stand still and the room began to spin as he heard the sound of the bed springs squeaking like an alarm, warning him that the creature was coming for him.
The Canadian Icon breathed a sigh of relief as a gorgeous red head looked over the edge of the bed. Her face was beautiful, almost the exact opposite of the hideous hag he had seen in his dream. Her long hair dangled over the side of the bed, her green eyes showing signs of worry as she examined Hoser, who was still on the floor, his face pale and soaked in sweat.
"Oh my god! Are you alright!?" she asked as she stepped off the bed and helped Hoser to his feet.
Hoser stared at her naked body for a moment, admiring it's perfect shape. Her skin was flawless, her legs smooth, her private area neatly trimmed with no signs of razor burn. She helped Hoser to his feet and began removing the tangle of sheets that was wrapped around him. The Canadian Icon quickly ran to the mini bar and swung the door open. It was well stocked with Molson Canadian.
"What happened?" asked the unknown woman as she stared at Hoser, admiring his lean, well toned body.
"Oh thank God it was just a dream eh." said Hoser as he grabbed a cold beer from the small refrigerator.
The Canadian Icon opened the beer and took a long drink, then reached for his cigarettes on the small night stand. He took out a cancer stick and lit it, taking a long draw as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"What was it about?" asked the woman, eager to find out what had scared him so bad.
"It was horrible eh..." said Hoser as she stared at the wall. He slowly turned his head to look at the woman as he realized he had no idea who she was.
"Wait a minute eh. Who are you?" asked The Canadian Icon.
"You don't remember? You must have been really drunk last night. I'm Samantha, but you can call me Sam. We met at the Oil Can last night after your wrestling show." said the woman as she sat down on the bed next to Hoser.
"Do you work for Charlene?" asked Hoser as she leaned away from her, expecting her to try to kill him.
"No, I work for Syncrude. Who's Charlene?" asked Sam as she lit a cigarette.
"It's a long story eh. Maybe I'll fill you in over breakfast." said Hoser as he headed for the bathroom.
"I got a lot of stuff to do today eh. I have to meet Jack for breakfast at the Kozy Korner, and I have to pick up a few things, and find a camera man to help me shoot a promo. Are you coming with me?" asked The Canadian Icon as he slowly opened the bathroom door, half expecting the native woman from his dream to jump out at him.
"Sure, I got nothing better to do today." said Sam as she got up and followed Hoser into the bathroom.
The sound of running water filled the room as they got into the shower and prepared for a long day in the sweltering heat of Fort McMurray.........