The Fuck ESS Tour - Onslaught Live July 29th 2007

["The Reaper" Marcus Ash]

“Hello fans and welcome to the web cast recap of Sunday Night Onslaught. I am you’re host, Tommy Sinclair, and i am here to bring you details on all the action that rocked the ring last night. And what a show it was. We almost got rained out, but that will come later.

“The ring had been set up outside Suncor’s Borealis camp, and while there were a few who dropped by to check out the action, honestly, the turn out was disappointing. You’d think that a bunch of bored men hanging around a camp like that would have nothing else to do, but i guess they were keeping themselves busy in other ways...anyway, let’s get to the action.

“The night began as we saw the debut of two wrestlers, the enigmatic Ren “Priest” Wagner, and the special needs warrior, The Natural Dave Reid. The match was a little slow going, The Natural simply staring down the circling Priest, while at ring side Better than Jesus Gary Frat sprouted insults. It was Reid who made the first move, coming at Priest like a psychopath, and absolutely no style or grace whatsoever. Priest quickly turned this into a mixed martial arts lesson, turning every move Reid made against him and following up with heavy hits and deadly kicks.

“Frat tried to get involved, but found himself knocked out outside the ring by a side round house kick by Priest, but the shift in attention was enough for Reid to leap onto Priests back and latch on like some sort of leach. He began choking with the Natural Plaster, but Priest rammed him into the turnbuckle to get him off. I should note that it took about 10 tries of ramming that turnbuckle to get Reid off, and i am pretty sure the only let go then because somebody through some garbage into the ring, and i think Reid wanted to see what it was.

“Priest regained the advantage, but no matter how hard he hit Reid, he couldn’t drop him. I tell ya, this Dave Reid can take alot of punishment. It’s like he doesn’t even feel the hits. Which was proven again when Priest finally got him to the mat and began some ground work submissions, of which he gathered no response from the Natural. It was like Reid just went completely limp and played dead when he started those moves, because when Priest finally gave up on the submission moves, and stood up, Reid stayed where he was on the mat. Priest then went for the pin, and got the easy victory.

“The ring crew rolled Reid out of the ring and carried him to the back, while my colleague Marcus Ash threw a beer over Frat, waking him up. Frat climbed into the ring, and another newcomer, John Prodigy Williams, made his way ringside, along side “The Snake” Campbell McGibbon.

“The match began with Better than Jesus Gary Frat spending close on five minutes insulting everybody from the crowd to Prodigy to John A Macdonald, before finally Prodigy moved in and knocked Frat out with a single uppercut. Prodigy got the win and the Reaper bought him a beer for shutting Frat up so fast.

“At this point there was a slight break in the action, as the Reaper climbed into the ring, and addressed the slowly growing crowd. Here is a clip of what took place.”

--cut—

“Nice tits,” said Reaper.

A camp slut at ring side shook her bare chest, those actually paying attention to the show shouting and hollering in favour.

“Anyway, enough of that. Right now, i got a couple things to talk about. Firstly, i have noticed that wrestling isn’t what it used to be. Well, not so much the sport itself, but the fans.”

Those in the crowd that were actually watching began to boo.

The others joined in simply for the point of it.

“Not you ya bunch of tards...i mean the amount of fans. Wrestling has fallen by the wayside. People have lost interest in it. With that fake ultimate fighting crap taking all the attention, it’s hard to compete for a fan base. That is why, i have decided to hire a special public relations guy, to help try and lure people back to this sport...i mean...i haven’t hired him, Hoser hired him. Yeah...”

At ringside, Tommy began to shake his head as Reaper looked at him and shrugged.

“So, let me introduce to you, my PR representative, Harley Sattler."

Without music, a hefty man in a business suit, with a trimmed gray beard with balding short gray hair, began to make his way to the ring. He climbed up into the ring, with absolutely no response from the crowd whatsoever.

He shook Reaper’s hand, and then took the mic.

“Mr. Ash,” said Sattler, “we really need to talk about getting me some theme music.”

“We’ll talk about it.”

“Well then, first of all, let me introduce myself to all of you. My name is Harley Sattler, and i am, or was, the biggest wrestling promoter to every come out of the north. When Rob White and Dave Snow wanted to start a fed of their own, they came to me for advice. When Mr. Ash here wanted to start a wrestling boot camp...me...when...”

“Yeah, yeah Smiley, move it along.”

“Yes, well, i have been hired my Mr. Ash here, (Reaper coughed), I mean, Mr. Hoser, (Reaper nodded), to try and make things a little more popular again around these parts, to bring the fans in, so to speak. So that is why, i, Harley Sattler, am going to make an announcement right here that Mr. Ash don’t even know about.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I am announcing right now, the very first Pay Per View under the banner of, the LWA-FHW Legacy...one match, one evening, the battle of every faction ever known in this great business...in about a month, give or take a few weeks, the OWF will host...Countdown to Extinction...2.”

“My god!” yelled Tommy. “The first Countdown to Extinction was an SWWF ppv that had featured a royal rumble style match where it was faction vs faction instead of every man for himself. It was in that very match that Reaper lost his position as commission of the SWWF...to Philipae!”

“Ah...Harley,” said Reaper. “We didn’t talk about this...what about my pay per view.”

“Ah yes, I am getting to that,” said Harley. ”Because a few weeks after Countdown to Extinction 2, the OWF will be having its own very first Pay Per View...Mr. Ash, would you like to do the honors...”

“Well, yeah, but i think we should discuss this Countdown to Extinction thing first, because...we only got the budget for one, not two.”

“We’ll be fine.”

“We’ll talk about that...anyway, yes, in about a month, month and a half’s time, the OWF will be having...VERY BAD THINGS 2007!”

“Now we’re talking!” said Tommy. “The name Very Bad Things has become synonymous with Reaper, you can almost say it’s his Wrestlemania.”

“At that event, we will be having every belt up for grabs...with the OWF World Heavyweight Championship on the line in a very special match. For the second time in history...The TOWER!”

“The Tower!” said Tommy. “That was the match that headlined the very first Very Bad Things...the match that saw Archangel throw Venom Drake Raynor off the top of a forty foot cage to become the first OWF World Champion! A match that was banned forever and i have no idea how he is planning on getting away with having it!

“And that’s not all!” said Sattler.

“It’s not?” asked Reaper.

“No, it’s not. Because i have just signed, for a one time deal, the greatest womens wrestler to ever grace a ring, Aphrodisia Jordan, for a match at Very Bad Things against FCW wonder...Aspen Sage!”

“Wait a second smiley, Aspen Sage is out of wrestling, she isn’t signed for anything.”

“Then you’ll have to sign her.”

“The last time i saw her she told me to drop dead...(Reaper looked at the crowd), and its Hoser that would have to sign her...not me, because i am not the president.”

“Either way, Aphrodisia will be there and waiting, and it would be a shame to disappoint the fans now the it’s been announced.”

“We never talked about this...you might as well have announced Ben Van Iten vs Daemon Krav because it’s got about as much of a chance as happening as this does.”

--fade--

“And with that, the show continued. The next match saw Dr. Karate, still reeling from his encounter with...Leroy...that bloody goat, taking on Puppet. This match was pure chaos. Karate started out looking strong, but everything he tried seemed to only fuel Puppet further. Karate’s martial arts were dodged, and ducked by Puppet, as the little madman seemed only to gain energy the more the match lasted. With Karate’s fighting style seemingly ineffective, he switched to his more usual style, that was cheating.

“Karate managed to get behind puppet, choking him with his stethoscope, long enough to take some of the wind out of the madman. He then grabbed his doctors bag and smashed it over Puppet’s head, splitting him open. Karate revealed a brick inside of his doctors bag, and then took out an oversized blood pressure thingamabob, wrapping it around Puppet’s face and beginning to pump it up. Puppet began to scream, clawing and tearing at the device, while Karate retreated to beneath the ring and pulled out a defibrillator.

“But Puppet had gotten free, and leaped over the ropes, taking Karate out. He picked up the defibrillator and started smashing it over Karate’s head, splitting him open. With both men in a blood bath, Jacob instructed his brother to roll Karate back in the ring, where he attempted a pin. Karate kicked out, Puppet standing and kicking him repeatedly in the head. Puppet then headed for the top rope, but Karate managed to get up first, pushing Puppet off the turnbuckle to the outside. Puppet landed on his feet, climbed into the ring and grabbed the brick, throwing it at Karate and taking him in the side of the head. He then climbed back to the top rope, and as Karate somehow managed to get up, Puppet leaped, hooking him in a reverse chin lock as he fell, swinging his legs forward and bending his head and neck back as both men hit the mat, a move called the Cut the Strings. With this Jacob instructed Puppet to go for the pin, which gave him the victory.

“After the match, Karate was helped out on a stretcher with his neck in a brace. As he was leaving the area he came to, and with backstage interviewer...yes, that is right, BACKSTAGE interviewer Johnny Gallivan (slight pride in Tommy’s voice), nearby, Karate swore that he would have his revenge on Leroy for humiliating him.

“I’m sure the goat is shaking in his hooves.

“I would call the next match my pick of match of the night, as the Lone Wolf took on Dante “Vagabond” Coles. This match was pure art. Lone Wolf started out with solid martial arts, but Vagabond’s street fighting style kept him checked. Through a furry of kicks and blows, it seemed no man could get the advantage over the other. Vagabond’s acrobatic, street fighting style, was blocked and dodged by the martial prowess of Lone Wolf, while his normally lethal kicks and punches were dodged by the acrobatic talent of the Vagabond.

“It was a botched move that started to make the difference. With Lone Wolf reeling from a swift kick, Vagabond headed to the top rope for a twisting corkscrew, but Lone Wolf ducked it and Vagabond hit hard, landing in a very awkward way. From here Lone Wolf began working on his legs, like a surgeon targeting one, and then the other, keeping the man on the mat.

“Then the submissions began, Lone Wolf locking in leg bar after leg bar, a Boston crab, and finally a figure four, neither of which could get the Vagabond to submit. Here Vagabond turned the tide, turning Lone Wolf over and reversing the figure four. But the Lone Wolf would not give up so easy either. Lone wolf pulled himself to the ropes, through them, and to the floor, the impact forcing the Vagabond to release the hold.

“Outside the ring, the earlier ‘art’ of the fighting was turned into a pure brawl, both men unloading upon one another with everything they had. Vagabond somehow managed to get the upper hand and with an Irish Whip, putting the Lone Wolf into the guard railing. Vagabond climbed onto the apron, and started running, but his legs gave out and fell, Lone Wolf capitalizing and running in, grabbing him and bringing him down in a DDT at the same time. Lone Wolf rolled Vagabond into the ring, and went for the pin, but the match was far from over.

“Vagabond kicked out, and with a back elbow broke the Lone Wolf’s nose. Reeling from the hit, the Vagabond moved in and started again with the street fighting, but finding himself whipping across the mat with a dragon screw whip, a move that caused even more damage to his legs. Lone Wolf rolled under the ropes and grabbed his legs, pulling them to the turnbuckle, and ramming them repeatedly into the steel. Vagabond managed to get a couple kicks in, but they seemed to have no effect. Then Lone Wolf, shades of the Hit Man Bret Hart, hooking in a figure four, falling back and hanging upside down with Vagabond tied up around the turnbuckle.

“Here things got bad for the Vagabond, but he wasn’t finished yet. Vagabond started to pull himself up the ropes, and then dropped down, the fall causing the hold to loosen enough that Lone Wolf nailed his head on the hard pavement. He let go the hold, and Vagabond climbed high up, going for a shooting star press that crashed into Lone Wolf.

“Meanwhile, Mr. Steele had decided to drop by for a visit. He came and sat at a seat on the front row, taking out his lighter, and just flicking the flame on over and over. As both men struggled to get to their feet, Lone Wolf locked his eyes onto Steele, and something happened within him.

“Instantly Lone Wolf seemed to go berserk, turning and cracking Vagabond in the side of the head with a stiff kick, and then rolling him into the ring. He went to the top rope, and then looked down at Steele, the two locking eyes i am sure, before leaping off with the Moonsault Death Drop, a move that gave him the victory over Vagabond.

“After the match, both men stared each other down for a long time, Steele keeping that flame lit, before finally Steele stood and vanished in the crowd.

["The Reaper" Marcus Ash]

“The next match was scheduled to be the returning Craig Lassiter, taking on the Wickerman Dave Snow. Reaper had set up this match as a way of getting back at Snow for the comments he had made at Clash at the Oil Can. But as you will see in this clip, things did not turn out exactly like Ash had intended.”

--Cut—

“You know, Lassiter looks to be in good shape,” said Tommy.

“Are you sizing up men now?” asked Reaper.

“What’s got you all riled up?” said Tommy.

“Sattler. That fat bastard didn’t talk to me about any of that stuff. A multi fed pay per view? Yeah, like i can see the FHW going for that one now. And then Aspen Sage! For Christ sakes i ain’t afraid of anybody...but that woman terrifies me.”

“Reaper, you’re scared of a woman?”

“Smiley, i will snap this table in half and shoot each piece up your ass with a giant sling shot if you don’t drop it. Let’s just say that the last time i spoke with Ms. Sage, it never went well.”

“Well Lassiter is in the ring, and he does look in good shape...every his personality is different.”

“Well he did spend the last...i don’t know how long, in a mental institute...now what is this...”

As Fire it up by the Black Label Society began to play, The Wickerman Dave Snow hobbled out on a crutch.

“You got to be fucking kidding me,” said Reaper.

“Cut my music,” said Snow.

“That fat fuck, that piece of salmon liver, I’m going to kick that in the nuts so many times his head will turn purple!”

“As you can see,” said Snow, “ I haven’t had the most luck this week. I woke up one morning and tripped up going down the stairs...and well, broke me leg. So i can’t wrestle you tonight Leroy...oh, i’m sorry, i mean Craig. That whole name change thing confuses me. So...Leroy is the goat right?”

“This is a ruse if i ever saw one,” said Tommy.

Reaper stood up and began kicking at the guard railing, a couple of the fans slowly stepping back with concern in their eyes.

“Well don’t worry Craig, i wouldn’t leave you without an opponent tonight. I dug out my old SWWF black book and dug up a name that hasn’t wrestled in North America in some time. So, you’re opponent...weighting 300 pounds and standing 6’9”, from Berlin, Germany, he is Rayne!”

Du Hast by Rammstein began to play as the monster Rayne, his chest bare except for a swastika tattoo that covered its entirety, his hair blond and high with a flat top, began to make his way to the ring.

--Fade—

“With Sean Lassiter, Zeke, and Dr. Keane at ringside backing what appeared to be a reinvigorated Craig Lassiter, and the German monster Rayne being backed by Dave Snow on a crutch, the match had the potential to be pure chaos...and it didn’t disappoint.

“The match began very one sided, with the Rayne being a force to be reckoned with. Lassiter’s punches were ineffective, his irish whips not even moving the man, his counters stopping in their tracks and as time and time again Rayne took Lassiter down with massive punches, clotheslines and slams. But the big man spent too much time yelling at the crowd, and with just a sliver of recovering time, this one became a lesson in pure wrestling very quickly.

“Lassiter, in a fashion i have not seen in years, turned the beast’s attacks against him, throwing him off balance with old fashioned wrestling counters and holds, breaking in his European chain wresting to take Rayne to the mat, locking in a headlock that not even the big German could get off.

“With chants of Bad News beginning at ringside by those faithful enough to remember, the magnificent bastard reborn took Rayne apart piece by piece, concentrating mainly in the big man’s knees. Rayne, not giving up so easily, would manage to power out of many of Lassiter’s moves, but with his knees hurting could not regain the vertical base needed to take Lassiter out, and with that Craig brought him back down again with leg drags, Russian let sweeps, and at one point a kick to his nuts after he had stared at Reaper for a moment, and for the only time that match seemed to get frustrated. Lassiter quickly regained his calm composure, one of even amazement at times as though he couldn’t believe what he was doing, but then the fat ass Snow got involved, and things turned sour.

“With Rayne locked in a half crab, Dave Snow climbed into the ring and completely fine on both legs, cracked his crutch over the back of Lassiter’s head. Sean Lassiter climbed into the ring and started after Snow, Snow running away, or should i say, jiggling away, turning with a smile on his face. But from out of nowhere came Shinobi W, who smashed a steel chair over Snow’s head before taking off. Snow managed to get back to his feet, and took chase after the mysterious Shinobi W, vanishing somewhere inside Borealis Camp.

“Inside the ring however, things were looking bad as Rayne got back to his feet, and was not happy with what had happened. He pulled Lassiter up and crashed him down with a chokeslam. He grabbed him again, going for another, but Lassiter pulled out of it, going around the back of Rayne and hooking him in a full nelson, taking him down with a full nelson bull dog. Lassiter climbed to the top rope, and leaped with a falling dropkick, landing on his ass but taking Rayne in the head. Then, Lassiter hoisted the big German up, going for a pile driver, hooking his knees in a cradle and dropped him down with the Toad Driver. Lassiter went for the pin, and it was over.

“Next we had Alistair “Stainless” Steele, taking on Mack “Bruiser” Brody. And if Steele had ever had a challenge, this was it. Steele’s usual hardnosed street fighting was virtually ineffective against the big man, whose trunk like arms came close to taking Steele’s head off more than once.

“The match became a game of cat and mouse, Steele trying to duck and dodge, while the Bruiser grew more and more frustrated with every missed punch. But Steele played it smart. At no point during the match did he do anything to Bruiser to make him go over the limit, to the point that he would snap and go berserk, for as we all know, when that happens there is very little that can stop the Bruiser.

“But for that matter, neither did he even attempt to really take the big man down. It was like he was waiting for something, and very soon we all saw what it was.

“As the match progressed, Brody began to slow. His hits weren’t coming so often, and his legs began to buckle. Then, to the amazement of the crowd, Brody simply collapsed in the ring unconscious, while Steele began to laugh. You know, i have to stop right here because i personally think the actions Alistair Steele have been taking are despicable. First he tries to burn Lone Wolf, then he puts him in a Wolf Trap...and now, when facing a man who should have tore him apart, he drugs him before the match! Alistair Steele is a piece of crap and i hope one day he gets what is coming to him.

“Needless to say, Steele easily rolled over Brody and got the pin while the fans began to boo and throw shit at him. And can you blame them? I don’t, that’s for sure. But you know, in the light of it all, there is something that happened that do make me a little happy. Here is a clip.”

--cut—

Suddenly Lone Wolf leaped up into the ring from what seemed to be out of nowhere, and kicked Steele in the back of the head, taking him to the ground. Steele stood and the two moved face to face, staring eachother down. Lone Wolf motioned for a mic, and brought it up between the two.

“You...me...oily rags...”

With that Lone Wolf tossed the mic and backed out of the ring, vanishing into the crowd.

“Why do they guys feel the need to burn my ring?” ask Reaper. “Aren’t they content with just wrestling in it?”

“Don’t you mean Hoser’s ring?”

“...”

--fade—

“And i can’t wait for that.

“The next match we had was our very first Firk’n Memorial division match, featuring the returning Eric Extreme against a mystery opponent. Well, i think the clip tells the story better than I can.”

--Cut—

Extreme stood in the middle of the ring, his Singapore cane in hand, tapping it on his hand. Suddenly tribal drums began to play, and the LWA legend, the Native, garbed only in a loin cloth, his necklace of teeth, and a large turkey drumstick, started making his way to the ring.

“The Native?” said Tommy.

“Yip.”

“The Native is your big mystery opponent?”

“Hoser’s big mystery opponent, and yes.”

“Why?”

“It has to do with this whole FHW-LWA Legacy thing. The second we used the LWA initials, i was forced by law to hire the native.”

“Don’t you mean Hoser hired him.”

“Yeah, that’s what i said.”

“No it isn’t you said...oh my god! Extreme just smashed that Singapore Cane over the Natives head, and has laid him out! He goes for the pin! My god Extreme just won!”

“Can’t say I’m surprised really.”

--Fade—

“Finally we were at our main event. Nathan Benjamin, with that annoying Benny the Cameraman, taking on our illustrious president, Hoser. Just as the match was to begin, the sky opened up and it began to pour. Thunder and lightning ripped through the sky, but nobody moved. Everybody who had been watching were fixed in their seats, none of them wanting to go anywhere.

“The match began well enough, Hoser, half in the bag, fending off Benjamin’s hold attempts with his knowledge of martial arts. Benjamin seemed to be getting very frustrated, very quickly, obviously caught off guard by the fact that Hoser was not the push over that he imagined he would be.

“The martial arts began to fade as both men turned the match into a display of chain wrestling, but it was here that Nathan began to get the upperhand, turning a simple drop toe hold into a submission hold with an arm bar. Hoser, somehow managed to get out, but Nathan continued on that arm, twisting it and twisting it with arm wrench after arm wrench, taking Hoser to the mat with an arm drag takedown, and locking that arm with another bar that Hoser found himself pressed to escape.

“But he did, and changed the pace of the match with a swift kick to Nathan’s face. Here we saw the first of Benny’s interference as he climbed the apron and began shouting at Hoser, grabbing his attention. Hoser gave Benny the figure, but turned into a snap kick to the jaw by Benjamin, followed by a northern lights suplex. But Benjamin didn’t go for the pin, electing instead, to continue to work on the arm of Hoser with another series of arm bars.

“Clawing towards the ropes, Hoser struggled and struggled, Benny laughing outside the ring. Upon reaching them he reached down and grabbed a 6 pack of beer he had stashed there, and used them to smash Nathan, breaking the hold. He opened one up and had a drink, and then started stomping Nathan as he tried to rise. Benny climbed back inside, using his camera to try and hit Hoser, but found himself instead with beer spit in his face, and a Beer Buster brainbuster right down on the remaining beer in the pack, bursting them and Benny’s head.

“Nathan climbed to the top rope and leaped off in what appeared to be a top rope hurricanrana, but hooking the arm of Hoser instead of his head and neck, and taking him down, clamping on a cross arm bar, a move he calls ‘the armbar you wish you could do’.

“With Benny out, Hoser struggled to grab something in the ring to break the hold, but the pain seemed too much. When it appeared as if Hoser was just about to tap, however, something happened. Hoser grabbed the last beer to survive the beer buster, and with one arm, cracked it, and started to drink. He got onto his knees and thrust his feet forward, kicking Nathan hard in the back of the head, forcing him off. As Nathan rose, Hoser grabbed him by the waist and lifted him, falling back against the ropes, taking Nathan across the throat. Nathan stumbled back, and Hoser stood, catching him and hoisting him up for the Beer Buster, taking him down, and going for the pin...1..2..3.

“But it wasn’t over yet.

“Let me leave you with this last clip...”

--cut—

In the ring, Hoser held his arms high, and then motioned to the now screaming crowd for someone to pass him a beer.

“Well then,” said Reaper. “It looks like our president has gotten his first victory. That a boy Hoser...kick em again!”

“Well fans, what a show we have had here tonight,” said Tommy.

“It would have been better if a certain Greek Chicken had of answered my challenge.”

“Yes well, i think there has been enough in the way of threats and challenges here tonight...wait!”

In the ring, Nathan and Benny jumped Hoser, beating him down to the mat.

“Those chickenshit little pricks,” said Reaper.

“Nathan Benjamin and Benny are beating Hoser within an inch of his life! Benny has that camera, smashing it down over Hoser...wait, Nathan now, he is motioning for Benny to hold up Hoser...He got his head held up, and Benjamin just slapped him in the face...now Benjamin is heading for the top rope...drop kick! He just dropkicked Hoser right in his held face! Hoser is split open and out, and Nathan and Benny are standing over him! My god! Nathan just ripped off Hoser’s Molsen Canadian shirt and is holding it high over his head...”

“Those assholes are going to pay for that...”

“The crowd are booing Nathan and Benny, and now they are singing the Canadian national anthem...this is despicable! Despicable!”



Written by David Snow
(c) Copyright Outlaw Wrestling Federation