Post by Dante "Vagabond" Coles on Jul 15, 2007 17:47:10 GMT -5
Okay, this one's a bit old but I've been wanting to share it online, so I figured why not post it here and start out this new section. I wasn't so much angry while writing this as passionate about the subject, and don't look too much at grammar, spelling, et cetera; it's meant to convey a message, not look pretty.
Movies these days can be so stupid. I mean, think about the situations these characters are thrown in, then think about how stupid they become. For example, you walk in, find your lover dead on the floor with a knife sticking out of her eye. Don’t. Fucking. Touch. The knife. When you finally decide you’re not a forensic expert, nor are you any sort of detective and finally give the cops a little ring-a-ling, guess whose fingerprints will be all over the fucking crime scene. Then, guess who the finger will be pointed at when they actual investigators get in. That’s right bub, you stabbed your wife in the eye and you’re the moron whose fingerprints are all over the place.
But I give thrillers some credit. Every millennia or so they make a decent one that gets you thinking. Horror movies are where some of the stupidest people seem to gather. Sure, there are some good ones out there, and others were made to be funny like that, but the ones made to be serious are the ones that really get annoying. I’m just after watching Dead Silence, which is what fuels this rant, and I have to say. That guy is stupid. He finds his wife dead in the beginning, decides ‘fuck the police’ and takes matters into his own hands. He finds out the evil ghost who killed his wife kills people when they scream, right? So then he decides to investigate the ghost in the fucking scariest ambience he can find. Because, you know, the abandoned, cob-webbed theatre is going to be the perfect place to go at night. Granted, there is a twist at the end that caught me by surprise, but still.
If I was in a horror movie scenario, I would do everything I can to AVOID coming across the thing that’s leaving dead bodies everywhere. If I hear sounds coming from the dark room where my lover or my family or my best friend is, fuck that, I’m not going in there. They’re probably dead anyway. Or if I happened to come across a trail of blood that leads down the long, dark hallway and then into the very last room. No. Whatever’s at the end of that trail, I’m going to let guys with guns check it out. There is nothing for me to gain from seeing who owns the blood and why they were bleeding all over the floor. Then there’s the situations where a convenient thunderstorm comes, sets the ambience and then cuts the power. Screw walking around in the dark in the large mansion where people have turned up dead, I’d find a nice room with no windows, use my flashlight or light source to check all the corners, then push everything in the room up against the door. Nothing for the killer to hide behind, the room is clear and I’m barricaded in. Sure, if the place caught on fire I’d be fucked, but these killers never think of that. They’d much rather draw out the deaths and give the characters a chance to escape if they had any sense. It’s not so much in older movies, like the good ol’ Friday the 13th series. That was funny, and despite the people being utter morons, it was amusing. Modern movies, they’re trying to be as scary as possible with their special effects, but none of it works if you’re trying to figure out why the fuck the main character is walking around in the forest dressed in their underwear with a big bulls-eye tattoo on their back. It’s not like they’re looking to be stabbed or mutilated or any other overused form of movie death.
But now I’m picking too much on horror movies, which still remain one of my favourite genres despite everything. Let me pick another example, let’s say Ghost Rider. Good potential, and Nicholas Cage did a fantastic job, but the villain in that was so one-dimensional. Think about it. If the only thing keeping you from suffering from Ghost Rider’s stare was the absence of your soul, why would you go out of your way to get a contract that allows you to absorb a thousand souls, right in front of Ghost Rider, who will then take you, do his stare thing on you, and make you suffer those one thousand souls. At least kill Ghost Rider, especially when he’s rendered useless by the sun, before you open yourself up a thousand-fold to his most powerful attack. Brilliant thinking, especially for someone who’s supposed to be the son of the devil.
It seems the only real genre of movies you can trust not to be stupid like that these days are comedies, because if the characters make a stupid mistake, it’s probably part of a joke and you really don’t care. We need better people writing movies these days. People who actually think logically. If I’m going to write a horror story, I’m not going to give all the intelligence to the evil killer and none to the characters that are meant to be killed off, even if they’re only given a single scene. I’d write it thinking from both sides. It’d be much better if the killer had to adapt to human freewill as opposed to these illogical, bumbling idiots that star in movies these days. If I’m going to write a thriller, I’d have my characters try to analyse things a bit better, instead of playing right into the villain’s plans. Once again, give the characters freewill and make the villain clearly adaptable. It’d work better than the one dimensional characters created these days for the sake of money.
Oh, and speaking of characters. Is it just me or is there an abundance of black and/or female lead characters these days? I mean, I understand people not wanting to be racist, but there’s so many movies starring black people these days I’m beginning to think white people are going to start complaining about racism. And the female leads. They’re always so damned hot! It’s nice, but it gets so remedial. Screw sexism. Males and females should be equal, so throw in some male leads for once. And, since I picked on horror movies so much, this point makes me realize why there’s always three survivors to horror movies. Your stereotypical black guy from the slums, your well-endowed female love interest and your rough and handsome white guy. Fucking stereotypes have taken over! If there’s going to be a survivor, at least make it someone believable and screw trying to make everyone happy. You never will! Or just kill them all, that works too.
And I know if I decide to post this rant online, I’ll get a good one third to one half the people who read this complaining about something or other. Fuck you, go walk into the dark room where you heard someone scream. And if you’re going to do that, you’re probably too stupid to understand what I just said. I told you to go die. But, if you’re one of the people who read this and say ‘Amen’ or whatever, good. People like you prove that the world isn’t full of complete and utter morons. Give yourselves a pat on the back, and go show those horror movie imbeciles how to survive. I’m done.
*********************************************************
Movies these days can be so stupid. I mean, think about the situations these characters are thrown in, then think about how stupid they become. For example, you walk in, find your lover dead on the floor with a knife sticking out of her eye. Don’t. Fucking. Touch. The knife. When you finally decide you’re not a forensic expert, nor are you any sort of detective and finally give the cops a little ring-a-ling, guess whose fingerprints will be all over the fucking crime scene. Then, guess who the finger will be pointed at when they actual investigators get in. That’s right bub, you stabbed your wife in the eye and you’re the moron whose fingerprints are all over the place.
But I give thrillers some credit. Every millennia or so they make a decent one that gets you thinking. Horror movies are where some of the stupidest people seem to gather. Sure, there are some good ones out there, and others were made to be funny like that, but the ones made to be serious are the ones that really get annoying. I’m just after watching Dead Silence, which is what fuels this rant, and I have to say. That guy is stupid. He finds his wife dead in the beginning, decides ‘fuck the police’ and takes matters into his own hands. He finds out the evil ghost who killed his wife kills people when they scream, right? So then he decides to investigate the ghost in the fucking scariest ambience he can find. Because, you know, the abandoned, cob-webbed theatre is going to be the perfect place to go at night. Granted, there is a twist at the end that caught me by surprise, but still.
If I was in a horror movie scenario, I would do everything I can to AVOID coming across the thing that’s leaving dead bodies everywhere. If I hear sounds coming from the dark room where my lover or my family or my best friend is, fuck that, I’m not going in there. They’re probably dead anyway. Or if I happened to come across a trail of blood that leads down the long, dark hallway and then into the very last room. No. Whatever’s at the end of that trail, I’m going to let guys with guns check it out. There is nothing for me to gain from seeing who owns the blood and why they were bleeding all over the floor. Then there’s the situations where a convenient thunderstorm comes, sets the ambience and then cuts the power. Screw walking around in the dark in the large mansion where people have turned up dead, I’d find a nice room with no windows, use my flashlight or light source to check all the corners, then push everything in the room up against the door. Nothing for the killer to hide behind, the room is clear and I’m barricaded in. Sure, if the place caught on fire I’d be fucked, but these killers never think of that. They’d much rather draw out the deaths and give the characters a chance to escape if they had any sense. It’s not so much in older movies, like the good ol’ Friday the 13th series. That was funny, and despite the people being utter morons, it was amusing. Modern movies, they’re trying to be as scary as possible with their special effects, but none of it works if you’re trying to figure out why the fuck the main character is walking around in the forest dressed in their underwear with a big bulls-eye tattoo on their back. It’s not like they’re looking to be stabbed or mutilated or any other overused form of movie death.
But now I’m picking too much on horror movies, which still remain one of my favourite genres despite everything. Let me pick another example, let’s say Ghost Rider. Good potential, and Nicholas Cage did a fantastic job, but the villain in that was so one-dimensional. Think about it. If the only thing keeping you from suffering from Ghost Rider’s stare was the absence of your soul, why would you go out of your way to get a contract that allows you to absorb a thousand souls, right in front of Ghost Rider, who will then take you, do his stare thing on you, and make you suffer those one thousand souls. At least kill Ghost Rider, especially when he’s rendered useless by the sun, before you open yourself up a thousand-fold to his most powerful attack. Brilliant thinking, especially for someone who’s supposed to be the son of the devil.
It seems the only real genre of movies you can trust not to be stupid like that these days are comedies, because if the characters make a stupid mistake, it’s probably part of a joke and you really don’t care. We need better people writing movies these days. People who actually think logically. If I’m going to write a horror story, I’m not going to give all the intelligence to the evil killer and none to the characters that are meant to be killed off, even if they’re only given a single scene. I’d write it thinking from both sides. It’d be much better if the killer had to adapt to human freewill as opposed to these illogical, bumbling idiots that star in movies these days. If I’m going to write a thriller, I’d have my characters try to analyse things a bit better, instead of playing right into the villain’s plans. Once again, give the characters freewill and make the villain clearly adaptable. It’d work better than the one dimensional characters created these days for the sake of money.
Oh, and speaking of characters. Is it just me or is there an abundance of black and/or female lead characters these days? I mean, I understand people not wanting to be racist, but there’s so many movies starring black people these days I’m beginning to think white people are going to start complaining about racism. And the female leads. They’re always so damned hot! It’s nice, but it gets so remedial. Screw sexism. Males and females should be equal, so throw in some male leads for once. And, since I picked on horror movies so much, this point makes me realize why there’s always three survivors to horror movies. Your stereotypical black guy from the slums, your well-endowed female love interest and your rough and handsome white guy. Fucking stereotypes have taken over! If there’s going to be a survivor, at least make it someone believable and screw trying to make everyone happy. You never will! Or just kill them all, that works too.
And I know if I decide to post this rant online, I’ll get a good one third to one half the people who read this complaining about something or other. Fuck you, go walk into the dark room where you heard someone scream. And if you’re going to do that, you’re probably too stupid to understand what I just said. I told you to go die. But, if you’re one of the people who read this and say ‘Amen’ or whatever, good. People like you prove that the world isn’t full of complete and utter morons. Give yourselves a pat on the back, and go show those horror movie imbeciles how to survive. I’m done.
